Reframing
Conquering space to sanctify time
Although I have been working to silence the unkind voices, my internal monologue has not been the most gentle over the months since I moved back home in December. I feel very ugly right now, not in the physical sense, in the impurity of my thoughts— so much judgement and jealousy, self loathing and self importance. I am merely an unreliable narrator overanalyzing to the nth degree. I don’t want people to know I am back in my childhood town, a bubble utterly out of touch with reality I resisted and eventually escaped for college, and dejectedly retreated to with my tail between my legs. After 2.5 months of trail work in California, I returned to a closet filled with clothes that suddenly felt foreign and a bed that I hadn’t slept in for longer than a week since sophomore year summer. I am currently cohabitating with my working parents in Mendham NJ, the epicenter for pluralistic spiritual formation, and babysitting part time for a 20 month old and five year old, all while not using my Bachelor’s degree in Religious Studies or Environmental Science. My daily life does not feel purposeful and I am regretting passing up an offer I could’ve started in January with an annual salary. I know my tone is overly cynical but I promise it is intentional and there will be a through line.
Music often says what regular language cannot. My frustration qualifies as a guttural scream and one album recently has helped me enunciate the chords that strike the back of my throat. According to her Spotify about section, musical artist Katie Crutchfield, who goes by Waxahatchee, “has arrived at her most potent songwriting yet”, which I wholeheartedly agree with. Her newest album titled Tigers Blood has been out for a little over a year now and from start to finish “Crutchfield emerges as a powerhouse— an ethnologist of the self— forever dedicated to revisiting her wins and losses”. I recently referred to her as “a lyricist for English majors” because her word play and meter are so unmatched and require such critical reflection. Clara has compassionately deemed me a “thought daughter” which I deeply credit to Waxahatchee’s lyricism. Some lines that have been resonating recently are:
“Take my money, I don’t work that hard I fall asleep in the beating heart Of a dying breed peddling some lost art” Evil Spawn
“This old house gave me a revelation I wasn’t prepared to receive” Burns Out at Midnight
“Armed with a safety pin Overly confident My skin is airy thin But my game is rigged to win” Bored
“My expectations are a cinder block I tote around like a hollow gun” Lone Star Lake
“I’m an outlaw in the court of strong opinions You’ll kill me But my failure’s legendary babe I get caught up in my thoughts For lack of a better cause My life’s been mapped out to a T But I’m always a little lost” Lone Star Lake
“You can take it pretty far on a prayer that’s pale and synthetic” Crowbar
“You don’t ease up on me You know I stay in a hurry, babe I miss a lot of good things” The Wolves
“And I held it like a penny I found It might bring me something, it might weigh me down” Tigers Blood
“Always the easiest to love And hardest to claim” Much Ado About Nothing
Taking inspiration from an artist I deeply revere, instead of ruminating in the comforting dark and damp pit of self judgement and regret, I choose to reflect on my triumphs and defeats using The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel as my companion. I have a super special one of one Spencer edition which is filled with insightful annotations, philosophical counterarguments (anti-Kantian and inverted Spinozism), and my all time personal favorite remark: hmmm…
Heschel presents the dichotomy of human life stuck between time and space. Through civilization and empire building, man has made a mission to conquer spacial elements through material prosperity. Consecrating monuments through earthly gains is a conquest of space, an assertion of power over things. Our reality rests comfortably within our "“thinginess”. Conversely, time is something we can’t quite make sense of. We can extend our arms as far as they can stretch, yet we can never control or overcome time. The problem simply cannot be shrunk down. And time and space are completely interrelated; think Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity (don’t worry this isn’t a physics pop quiz). Located directly in the center of three-dimensional plane, the observer intersects with time solely on the y-axis, while space is far more within reach intersecting on the x-axis in two perpendicular directions.
The Sabbath/day of rest and pause from work on the seventh day of Creation was made holy through God’s blessing. It is a joyful observation; a taste of the Kingdom of God in its very temporality in a way that no sacred space can ever be. And man was not created for the Sabbath. The Sabbath was created for man. A sacred marriage, the Sabbath is personified as our bride. The closest we can get to eternity is through time and we harness that timelessness by caring for the seeds of infinity rooted within our ourselves. Through poetic and reachable prose Heschel weaves a tale of Jewish spirituality that is reflected in the flux and dialectic reflection of man. I am still ruminating on so many different ways Heschel describes the Sabbath and feeling a sense of an imbued confidence in my own Jewishness.
Right now I am in an intense state of rest and the formation of my own spiritual discipline, earnestly embracing time. Like most if not all young adults I was thrust into a world where I have complete choice of how I want to use my time. We internalize late-stage capitalism and the expectations modern civilization has of us. To produce. To say something new. To be so ambitious until we make something of ourselves, a successful legacy. I feel like a failure by the standards of today however I have been finding moments of the Sabbath more than I ever have in my life.
Health is an investment in spiritual germination. I have been seeing a naturopath since the end of January with treatment involving acupuncture, cupping, and a three-phase gastrointestinal regiment. Previously I had been getting Botox to prevent migraines every ten weeks for a little over six years which had enabled me to experience less than 15 migraines a month (the number that qualifies for chronic-migraines). I reached a point of apathy towards my body because I was functioning enough. Life simply had to go on. The world does not stop for our pain. This more encompassing holistic approach has led me to feel the most embodied I have felt in years! I didn’t realize my body could feel this way! Time has been sanctified through healing, serving as a great inspirer of growing potential. I am also much softer towards my younger self who was trying so hard while suffering alone. She deserves grace.
And as for babysitting, technically I am not using my degree or learning some skilled trade. Yes anyone can be doing this. The family I am working for could have chosen anyone else but guess what they chose me! It has been such an overwhelming privilege to peek into these developmental stages and second hand experience the palpable love of a family that is Becoming. There is an undeniable potent preciousness when you are rocking a resting toddler to sleep in your arms and you finally develop the trust to put them down. My whole being softens. And I am reminded that creation is a constant and continual process. That as this baby is Becoming so am I, and isn’t it just beautiful that I get to be in relation to this baby! We have some daily repeated rituals that remind me of this. Whenever he is sitting in his highchair for food we look back at the high ceilings and point at the sun, the light, and the windows. We always flick the light switch at least 5 times before going upstairs from the basement with the same excitement every time. I distract him by turning off the light switch and pretending to be scared before going down for a nap which always makes him laugh and stop crying.
I will leave you with this quote to dwell on how and when you experience the Sabbath:
“The seventh day is like a palace in time with a kingdom for all. It is not a date but an atmosphere.” ― Abraham Joshua Heschel
Hmmmmm
mmmmmmmhmmmmmm yes yes yes like a sugar cube dissolving on the tongue